In relationships,Covid-19 lock down is not a honeymoon

We have all been given very clear instructions from experts, health professionals and the Government on the best way for both individuals and the country to make it through the coronavirus pandemic, but what’s less clear is how our relationships are meant to survive this unprecedented time of stress and quarantine.

Already there have been reports of a spike in divorce applications in the Chinese city of Xi’an after couples were forced to quarantine together in close quarters, and divorce lawyers in the US and UK are forecasting a similar phenomenon later this year.

Domestic abuse experts in Australia have warned that isolation will trigger an increase in violent incidents, while Women’s Aid in Ireland has reported that its helpline is receiving calls from women who have had to sneak out to their cars to call and get support during this crisis.

    This is not a honeymoon. It is normal to feel anxious, stressed and fatigued, which are, incidentally, some of the most common reasons for a  decrease in libido

But even healthy relationships are feeling the impact of coronavirus. As people are struggling to cope with the pandemic’s impact on their health, jobs, finances and social connections, couples who live together are also finding themselves in an entirely new dynamic where they suddenly have to spend 24 hours a day together, and relationships everywhere are feeling the strain.

Here are some tips on how to manage co-habiting, and tackling this time of stress and uncertainty, together.
Accept this will be challenging

Perhaps unsurprisingly, social media is still full of celebrities posting photographs from their beautiful homes; influencers doing face masks and making social isolation look like a luxurious spa retreat; and those impossibly perfect parents whose Von Trapp children are putting on adorable Tony Award-worthy plays, just waiting to go viral online.

Meanwhile, your children won’t stop screaming, your personal hygiene has taken a nosedive, and you are struggling to find non-coronavirus topics to talk about with your partner. As for sex, forget about it. You begin to wonder if there’s something wrong with your relationship, if you can’t survive simply being in your home together. After all, isn’t this the type of quality time couples dream of?
It is completely normal to feel anxious, stressed and fatigued right now, which are, incidentally, some of the most common reasons for a sudden decrease in libido. Photograph: iStock
It is completely normal to feel anxious, stressed and fatigued right now, which are, incidentally, some of the most common reasons for a sudden decrease in libido. Photograph: iStock

No, it’s not. This is not a honeymoon. It is completely normal to feel anxious, stressed and fatigued right now, which are, incidentally, some of the most common reasons for a sudden decrease in libido. If you’re confused as to why you and your partner aren’t taking this time together as an opportunity to have sex on every surface in your home, don’t assume there’s anything wrong with your relationship. It’s simple biology at play. Prolonged periods of stress and anxiety can take their toll on our health and mental wellbeing, producing adrenaline and prolactin as our bodies stay in “fight or flight” mode. Prolactin is known as “the celibacy hormone” as it dampens sex drive.

It is also completely normal not to be completely enamoured with your live-in romantic partner right now. Many people need privacy and solitude to function properly. Many people’s mental health and happiness is dependent on their routine that has been upended; interests and hobbies they’re no longer able to pursue; the social lives that have now been hugely curtailed. You are not a failure or a bad partner if you do not enjoy being confined in a small space with one person. You’re just human.
Talk about how you’re feeling

It’s important to check in with your partner about how each other is feeling, and how you both want to manage any anxiety and stress. This time may reveal that you and your partner have different coping mechanisms, and not acknowledging and accounting for this may result in conflict.

For example, some people may react to their anxiety by wanting to consume endless amounts of media about coronavirus, whereas their partner may find this alarmist and anxiety-inducing, preferring to keep some distance from all of the headlines. These different coping styles may leave people feeling distant from or unsupported by their partner.

When it comes to media consumption, many psychologists and experts recommend being very mindful about your media sources in order to protect your mental health.

Baruch Fischhoff, a professor at Carnegie Mellon University and an expert on public perception of risk and human judgment and decision-making, told the American Psychological Association that constantly monitoring social media and unchecked sources can needlessly amplify anxiety and should be avoided.

    It’s important to acknowledge if one partner wants increased attention during this stressful time, or space to themselves

“I think the most useful thing that people can do at this stage is to find some trusted sources of information like the Centres for Disease Control and Prevention, or the World Health Organization, or some of our major media, and just stick to them for information,” says Dr Fischhoff. “They’re professionals. They do the best job they can of gathering and communicating the information. That will also protect you from the irresponsible, the rumour mongers, the people who are using this as an opportunity to sell things or to inflame racial hatred or ethnic hatred.”

Check in with each other about how you’re feeling, and how you can respect each other’s responses to stress. This may involve having a partner call a friend to discuss news instead of doing so with their partner, or assigning 15 minutes for a headline swap but no longer.
How is your relationship surviving Covid-19?

But Fischhoff also recommends extending empathy and patience to partners or family members who may have pre-existing anxieties, mental health issues or external concerns that may be understandably exacerbated by these extraordinary circumstances.

“Be supportive of people who are under greater stress,” he urges. “Those will be people who have anxiety that’s been triggered by this or people who feel like they’ve been discriminated or are worried about loved ones.”

    Giving your day a structure will massively help your stress levels and mental health. This is particularly important if you have children

It’s also important to acknowledge if one partner wants increased attention during this stressful time, or space to themselves. Even though this is simply about how individuals emotionally and mentally recharge, if unaddressed this can feel like a personal rejection, so talk about how each other is feeling and your needs for space.

During these conversations, stick to “I” statements, instead of “you” statements. “You’re constantly attached to me like a leech, sucking the life out of me,” is far less helpful than “I love you, and I need some time to myself to emotionally and mentally recharge.”
Set a routine and expectations

It can be extremely difficult to stick to a routine when you’re existing within one small space, but giving your day a structure will massively help your stress levels and mental health. This is particularly important if you have children, as they thrive on routine and knowing what is going to happen each day.

The Centers For Disease Control And Prevention (CDC) has issued guidelines for parents on how best to alleviate stress and anxiety in their children in these uncertain times, saying: “Children and teens react, in part, to what they see from the adults around them. When parents and caregivers deal with Covid-19 calmly and confidently, they can provide the best support for their children. Parents can be more reassuring to others around them, especially children, if they are better prepared.”

Their recommendations include explaining the facts of the coronavirus outbreak in an age-appropriate way, but limiting their access to news and social media coverage so they don’t misunderstand anything or become overwhelmed or frightened.

The CDC also recommends setting regular routines for the family, and being a role model for your children by taking care of yourself. “Take breaks, get plenty of sleep, exercise, and eat well. Connect with your friends and family members.”

    It can be very easy for one partner to always end up doing more housework, and now is the time to start afresh under these new circumstances

To set an effective schedule and routine, sit down as a family and decide what needs to be tackled, when, and how you can all manage it together. By listing everything that absolutely needs to get done every day, you can then approach these tasks as a team, instead of feeling like you are separate individuals fighting to have your needs met, with the other people in the household acting as obstacles.

Lee Miller, a marriage and family therapist, says it’s wise to create new routines to accommodate for this intense period of isolation, particularly for couples who are both suddenly working from home. Specifically, Miller says to assign roles for each day: who cooks, who cleans, who looks after the children at what point during the day, and so on.

“This is not even close to a typical situation, which means there are a number of different roles both partners are going to have to play while they’re working through the current reality,” she told CNN. “It’s critically important to schedule time to sit down and talk about what your expectations are of each other during this time.”

Talk about your and your partner’s individual needs, starting with work schedules. If both partners are working from home, can you take shifts watching the kids while the other works, or organise activities so that the children are occupied for a few hours so you both can focus?

Set very clear expectations around housework and home admin, too. It can be very easy for one partner to always end up doing more housework, and now is the time to start afresh under these new circumstances. What chores need to be done, and when? If your children are old enough, give them chores to complete every day – cleaning their rooms, setting the table, or washing the dishes after dinner.

Set manageable expectations around your children’s activities, and release yourself from the burden of becoming the world’s best home-school teacher. If you can get through some educational and creative activities with your kids each day, you are working miracles.

And if you and your partner find that housework or small jobs are falling through the cracks, try to let the small things go.

Writer and editor Molly Tolsky had a novel suggestion for how partners suddenly forced to work from home together could manage conflicts: create an imaginary co-worker on which to blame disagreements. “Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together,” Tolsky tweeted. “Get yourselves an imaginary co-worker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.”
Do you feel as if the walls are closing in on you? Photogrpah: Getty
Do you feel as if the walls are closing in on you? Photogrpah: Getty
Designate different spaces

Even if you live in a small space, it can be of huge psychological benefit to designate different areas of the house as work zones, relaxation zones, or to carve out a separate space from your partner.

If possible, designate different rooms for work, or even separate corners of one room. Artificial boundaries can still be effective, and things like headphones and earplugs will help create the idea of an individual space. If you need to retreat to the bathroom or sit in the car to write or take phone calls, do it. If you have a garden, take advantage of any good weather and do some work outside.

Children will also benefit from having designated activity spaces that will stop them from feeling too static or confined. Having a quiet reading nook, an activities table or a play corner will help them process shifts in activity, and will emphasise the day’s structure.

“We need boundaries around this ambiguous, endless stretch of time that’s all around us,” says Dr Orna Guralnik, a clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst, “so anything that can create differentiation, boundaries, or difference is really good for us right now.”

    Carve out some non-working time to spend separately, even if that just means spending an hour in different corners of a room

While managing work routines may require dividing up your time and space during the day, also make sure you’re scheduling daily time together as a family, such as always having dinner together. Pick family activities or projects, such as playing a favourite game, trying the latest silly viral dance routine, going for a walk together, or watching a movie.

For children and adults alike, try to keep your bed screen-free to help sleep patterns and the anxiety that comes with reading headlines.
Carve out time for intimacy – and time apart

Having different spaces in your home will also help you to carve out some time apart from your partner, which can be hugely beneficial for your relationship. Most couples do not spend 24 hours a day together, and the sudden lack of physical and mental space can be draining.

Carve out some non-working time to spend separately, even if that just means spending an hour in different corners of a room. Watch an episode of that show you love but they hate, listen to a podcast, read a book, or go for a walk by yourself. Not only will this give you some time to recharge, but doing different activities and consuming different media also means you will have something new to share with each other, as you would normally talk about your individual days together.

But also create time for intimacy. This doesn’t just mean sex though, by all means, if you’re both in the mood, enjoy yourselves. Now would be a great time to swap some fantasies, try something new, or order some sex toys online. Irish company Sex Siopa is still taking online orders if you want to support local business while also supporting your sex life. But emotional intimacy is also important. Establish a routine where you have half an hour together in the morning or before you go to sleep where you veto any talk of coronavirus, and focus on each other.

The New York Times has a list of 36 Questions That Lead To Love online, that range from “What do you value most in a friendship?” to “If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?” to “Tell your partner what you like about them.”

Answering these questions in bed at night is not only a way to forget about the stresses of the day before you sleep, but it’s also a gorgeous way to connect with your partner and learn something new about them – two things that will help stave off any sense of the emotional stasis or overfamiliarity that can affect attraction, affection and sex drive.

Perhaps, most importantly, try to be patient, considerate and kind to each other during this time. It’s easy to take out our stress and frustrations on the people closest to us, and easier still when you’re cramped together in close quarters for long periods of time. By taking the time and steps to invest in your emotional health and wellbeing, both as individuals and a couple, you can weather this storm together.
DO

    Maintain a regular routine every day: Get dressed, eat breakfast, schedule work hours, time to yourself and family time together, and keep on a regular sleep schedule.
    Designate different areas of your living space into work and relaxation areas to create some sense of boundaries and movement.
    Communicate openly about your and your partner’s individual emotional needs, coping mechanisms, and how to support each other.
    Send your children’s teachers a thank you card when school is back in session, now that you know what they put up with every day.
    Be patient and considerate with each other – we’re all trying our best.

DON’T

    Check the news and social media constantly for updates. Limit yourself to one or two daily updates from reputable sources.
    Feel guilty for needing time to yourself.
    Worry about the small stuff. If it won’t matter in a week, let it go.
    Forget to make time to be romantic and emotionally intimate, even if your sex drives aren’t high right now.
    Try to learn the violin right now. Just don’t.

How is your relationship surviving the Covid-19 crisis? Whether you are dating only a few weeks or months, or have been married 50 years, we would like to hear from readers about the stresses, strains and unexpected joys of life under lockdown with or without your partner.

The Paradox Of Transitioning To Utopia Of Clean Energy

The conversation about climate change has been blazing ahead recently. Propelled by the school climate strikes and social movements like Extinction Rebellion, a number of governments have declared a climate emergency, and progressive political parties are making plans—at last—for a rapid transition to clean energy under the banner of the Green New Deal.

This is a welcome shift, and we need more of it. But a new problem is beginning to emerge that warrants our attention. Some proponents of the Green New Deal seem to believe that it will pave the way to a utopia of “green growth.” Once we trade dirty fossil fuels for clean energy, there’s no reason we can’t keep expanding the economy forever.

This narrative may seem reasonable enough at first glance, but there are good reasons to think twice about it. One of them has to do with clean energy itself.

The phrase “clean energy” normally conjures up happy, innocent images of warm sunshine and fresh wind. But while sunshine and wind is obviously clean, the infrastructure we need to capture it is not. Far from it. The transition to renewables is going to require a dramatic increase in the extraction of metals and rare-earth minerals, with real ecological and social costs.

We need a rapid transition to renewables, yes—but scientists warn that we can’t keep growing energy use at existing rates. No energy is innocent. The only truly clean energy is less energy.

In 2017, the World Bank released a little-noticed report that offered the first comprehensive look at this question. It models the increase in material extraction that would be required to build enough solar and wind utilities to produce an annual output of about 7 terawatts of electricity by 2050. That’s enough to power roughly half of the global economy. By doubling the World Bank figures, we can estimate what it will take to get all the way to zero emissions—and the results are staggering: 34 million metric tons of copper, 40 million tons of lead, 50 million tons of zinc, 162 million tons of aluminum, and no less than 4.8 billion tons of iron.

In some cases, the transition to renewables will require a massive increase over existing levels of extraction. For neodymium—an essential element in wind turbines—extraction will need to rise by nearly 35 percent over current levels. Higher-end estimates reported by the World Bank suggest it could double.

The same is true of silver, which is critical to solar panels. Silver extraction will go up 38 percent and perhaps as much as 105 percent. Demand for indium, also essential to solar technology, will more than triple and could end up skyrocketing by 920 percent.

And then there are all the batteries we’re going to need for power storage. To keep energy flowing when the sun isn’t shining and the wind isn’t blowing will require enormous batteries at the grid level. This means 40 million tons of lithium—an eye-watering 2,700 percent increase over current levels of extraction.

That’s just for electricity. We also need to think about vehicles. This year, a group of leading British scientists submitted a letter to the U.K. Committee on Climate Change outlining their concerns about the ecological impact of electric cars. They agree, of course, that we need to end the sale and use of combustion engines. But they pointed out that unless consumption habits change, replacing the world’s projected fleet of 2 billion vehicles is going to require an explosive increase in mining: Global annual extraction of neodymium and dysprosium will go up by another 70 percent, annual extraction of copper will need to more than double, and cobalt will need to increase by a factor of almost four—all for the entire period from now to 2050.

The problem here is not that we’re going to run out of key minerals—although that may indeed become a concern. The real issue is that this will exacerbate an already existing crisis of overextraction. Mining has become one of the biggest single drivers of deforestation, ecosystem collapse, and biodiversity loss around the world. Ecologists estimate that even at present rates of global material use, we are overshooting sustainable levels by 82 percent.

Take silver, for instance. Mexico is home to the Peñasquito mine, one of the biggest silver mines in the world. Covering nearly 40 square miles, the operation is staggering in its scale: a sprawling open-pit complex ripped into the mountains, flanked by two waste dumps each a mile long, and a tailings dam full of toxic sludge held back by a wall that’s 7 miles around and as high as a 50-story skyscraper. This mine will produce 11,000 tons of silver in 10 years before its reserves, the biggest in the world, are gone.

To transition the global economy to renewables, we need to commission up to 130 more mines on the scale of Peñasquito. Just for silver.

Lithium is another ecological disaster. It takes 500,000 gallons of water to produce a single ton of lithium. Even at present levels of extraction this is causing problems. In the Andes, where most of the world’s lithium is located, mining companies are burning through the water tables and leaving farmers with nothing to irrigate their crops. Many have had no choice but to abandon their land altogether. Meanwhile, chemical leaks from lithium mines have poisoned rivers from Chile to Argentina, Nevada to Tibet, killing off whole freshwater ecosystems. The lithium boom has barely even started, and it’s already a crisis.

And all of this is just to power the existing global economy. Things become even more extreme when we start accounting for growth. As energy demand continues to rise, material extraction for renewables will become all the more aggressive—and the higher the growth rate, the worse it will get.

It’s important to keep in mind that most of the key materials for the energy transition are located in the global south. Parts of Latin America, Africa, and Asia will likely become the target of a new scramble for resources, and some countries may become victims of new forms of colonization. It happened in the 17th and 18th centuries with the hunt for gold and silver from South America. In the 19th century, it was land for cotton and sugar plantations in the Caribbean. In the 20th century, it was diamonds from South Africa, cobalt from Congo, and oil from the Middle East. It’s not difficult to imagine that the scramble for renewables might become similarly violent.

If we don’t take precautions, clean energy firms could become as destructive as fossil fuel companies—buying off politicians, trashing ecosystems, lobbying against environmental regulations, even assassinating community leaders who stand in their way.

Some hope that nuclear power will help us get around these problems—and surely it needs to be part of the mix. But nuclear comes with its own constraints. For one, it takes so long to get new power plants up and running that they can play only a small role in getting us to zero emissions by midcentury. And even in the longer term, nuclear can’t be scaled beyond about 1 terawatt. Absent a miraculous technological breakthrough, the vast majority of our energy will have to come from solar and wind.

None of this is to say that we shouldn’t pursue a rapid transition to renewable energy. We absolutely must and urgently. But if we’re after a greener, more sustainable economy, we need to disabuse ourselves of the fantasy that we can carry on growing energy demand at existing rates.

Of course, we know that poorer countries still need to increase their energy use in order to meet basic needs. But richer countries, fortunately, do not. In high-income nations, the transition to green energy needs to be accompanied by a planned reduction of aggregate energy use.

How might this be accomplished? Given that the majority of our energy is used to power the extraction and production of material goods, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change suggests that high-income nations reduce their material throughput—legislating longer product life spans and rights to repair, banning planned obsolescence and throwaway fashion, shifting from private cars to public transportation, while scaling down socially unnecessary industries and wasteful luxury consumption like the arms trade, SUVs, and McMansions.

Reducing energy demand not only enables a faster transition to renewables, but also ensures that the transition doesn’t trigger new waves of destruction. Any Green New Deal that hopes to be socially just and ecologically coherent needs to have these principles at its heart.

What Will Be The New Normal After Covid-19?

It's obvious with even a little reflection that the experience of going through this Covid-19 pandemic would undoubtedly teach us many lessons. Many of us would have realised the importance of self-discipline, inspired by the numerous messages and tips on reconnecting with people, acquiring new skills, exercising and the rest of it. We would have heard it all, ad nauseum.

For many, the experience would have brought out the best in human behaviour and thought – from volunteerism and restraint to tolerance. Most importantly it would have brought out a deep sense of gratitude for being alive and healthy. The immense realisation that we can actually get by with so little and that ostentations add no meaning to life that is characterised by impermanence, could be the biggest lesson of all.

Conversely, for some of us with less philosophical inclinations, the experience also would have brought out the worst in human behaviour – from stocking up excessive supplies knowing that others will be deprived to intentionally passing on fake news to gullible people and watching the mischief take effect. To fight off boredom some would have been on their phones the whole day, perhaps to send messages laced with racial profiling and religious biases.
Profiteering in the sale of health related items while not being pervasive would, nevertherless, have been insidious in relation to high end products and equipment. And Internet scammers got into the act and came up with tricks to deprive retirees of their savings. In times of uncertainty the brain is susceptible to fear resulting in cognitive biases that, under normal circumstances, may be prevented by being more analytical. The unkindest cut of all was snatch thieves in action during the movement control order (MCO) period!

As we marvel at how we managed to pull through the MCO period and days of Covid-19, some behavioural changes may lead to a shift in social norms.

We might be cautious about frequenting crowded or closed in places like cinemas and stadiums or even public transport. Probably the popular habit of the weekend stroll around crowded malls with baby in tow might change to families staying home to enjoy quality time together. Social distancing may hopefully condition us to institutionalise the practice of queuing up.

Most certainly, the way we eat with friends will change for fear of contagion. Eating out would soon mean making sure the facility is squeaky clean. Forget visiting that legendary roasted maize seller who stations his cart, without running water, on top of a highway  drain.

There is no point in announcing to all that Kenya has the best roasted beef(nyama china)  in the world when we continue to tolerate filthy food courts and restaurants with shaggy food handlers who display complete disregard for cleanliness and protection. If we are to capitalise on the foreigner’s fascination with our unique repertoire of cuisine, it’s time we emulate our  n
doctors with their stringent standards on cleanliness. Public health officers  workers cannot be halfhearted or seen to be in cohorts with  dirty restaurant owners.

One major fall out from the Covid-19 experience would be the change in mindset of Kenyans  who take great pride in being adventurous foodies. Instead, people might be more inclined to carry packed lunches that are nutritious and they know are clean. Who knows, lunch boxes of yesteryear might become a fad again.

Having had an overdose of fake news during this crisis, even the novice among us will in future be more circumspect in accepting news, particularly those stoking fear and hatred.

Remnants of social distancing might also see less fanfare surrounding politicians who will literally roll up their sleeves and get to work, without the presence of large retinues of well wishers and followers.

The private sector will most certainly reduce air travel for their executives. Suddenly the simple email communication will replace face to face communication and will be seen as being just as effective. The public sector may also follow suit with sophisticated video conferencing and webinars becoming the norm.

Besides the increased popularity of e-commerce, digitalisation of education might be accelerated after the appetite for e-learning that is being established during this MCO period.

The utilisation of drones and robotics in our everyday life might be enhanced and may be a standard feature in community living around the world, in areas such as security surveillance, screening procedures, and even food delivery. In Malaysia, working from home might become a norm in many cases, which may indirectly result in less dependence on foreign domestic help.

The health budget of some countries might see a robust increase as defence spending is cut with a decrease in a preoccupation with imaginary enemies.

In our own country, how healthcare is delivered could change, with some segments opting for e-consultations wherever possible. The public health system too should be more cognisant of the social and physical environment as determinants of health in the case of future outbreaks of communicable diseases.

Healthy public housing systems and working environments as well as the recognition that cultural and religious support networks are essential in galvanising customs and traditions for better health care would be a good public health approach in future.

A focus on the mental health needs of those psychologically affected by the whole Covid-19 experience might lead the government to recognise the need for clear mental health leadership in our country.

While we are still grappling with the challenges of this pandemic, we could also use this opportunity to brace ourselves for these potential changes in our lives, once these trying times are over.

The pain of this pandemic is real, but this too shall pass eventually and we will wake up to a new dawn. As we wait with resilience and optimism, let us ponder the words of our African
ancestors : “After the rain comes the sun.” A new tomorrow is foreseeable.

When Love Beckons

    When love beckons to you, follow him,
    Though his ways are hard and steep.
    And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
    Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
    And when he speaks to you believe in him,
    Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

    For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
    Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
    Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,
    So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
    Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
    He threshes you to make you naked.
    He sifts you to free you from your husks.
    He grinds you to whiteness.
    He kneads you until you are pliant;
    And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God’s sacred feast.

    All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life’s heart.

    But if in your fear you would seek only love’s peace and love’s pleasure,
    Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love’s threshing-floor,
    Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.
    Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
    Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
    For love is sufficient unto love.
Think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love’s ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

I am a deadbeat dad

A failed marriage left the mother to care
Love is gone but the kid s are still there
A broken home has become commonplace
The look of anguish on the child s face
Gone and lost is the deadbeat dad

Being there just for conception
Made a promise that was all a deception
Gone and lost is the deadbeat dad



Deadbeat dad, support  I won t pay
Deadbeat dad always staying away
Deadbeat dad is a disgrace and despair
So their mother says
Deadbeat dad, to the kids it' s not fair

Biology can only go so far
So their mother says
When you are gone it leaves a scar
Children learn to live without You
Being there is what it s all about
Gone and lost is the deadbeat dad



Deadbeat dad lost in a haze
Deadbeat dad set in his ways
Deadbeat dad, a loser at heart
So  their mother says
Deadbeat dad won t do his part
I'm that deadbeat dad
And  I have a good  reason for it!

Build Resilience During Crisis

As the spread and far-reaching impacts of Covid-19 dominate the world news, we have all been witnessing and experiencing the parallel spread of worry, anxiety, and instability. Indeed, in a crisis, our mental state often seems only to exacerbate an already extremely challenging situation, becoming a major obstacle in itself. Why is this and how can we change it? As the CEO of a firm that brings mindfulness to companies to unlock new ways of thinking and working, let me share a bit about how the mind responds to crises, like the threat of a pandemic.

Even without a constant barrage of bad or worrisome news, your mind’s natural tendency is to get distracted. Our most recent study found that 58% of employees reported an inability to regulate their attention at work. As the mind wanders, research has shown that it easily gets trapped into patterns and negative thinking. During times of crisis — such as those we are living through now — this tendency is exacerbated, and the mind can become even more hooked by obsessive thinking, as well as feelings of fear and helplessness. It’s why we find ourselves reading story after horrible story of quarantined passengers on a cruise ship, even though we’ve never stepped foot on a cruise ship, nor do we plan to.

When your mind gets stuck in this state, a chain reaction begins. Fear begins to narrow your field of vision, and it becomes harder to see the bigger picture and the positive, creative possibilities in front of you.  As perspective shrinks, so too does our tendency to connect with others. Right now, the realities of how the coronavirus spreads can play into our worst fears about others and increase our feelings of isolation, which only adds fuel to our worries.

Watching the past month’s turmoil unfold, I have been reminded of the old Buddhist parable of the second arrow. The Buddha once asked a student: “If a person is struck by an arrow, is it painful? If the person is struck by a second arrow, is it even more painful?” He then went on to explain, “In life, we cannot always control the first arrow. However, the second arrow is our reaction to the first. And with this second arrow comes the possibility of choice.”

We are all experiencing the first arrow of the coronavirus these days. We are impacted by travel restrictions, plummeting stock prices, supply shortages etc. But the second arrow — anxiety about getting the virus ourselves, worry that our loved ones will get it, worries about financial implications and all the other dark scenarios flooding the news and social media — is to a large extent of our own making. In short, the first arrow causes unavoidable pain, and our resistance to it creates fertile ground for all the second arrows.

It’s important to remember that these second arrows — our emotional and psychological response to crises — are natural and very human. But the truth is they often bring us more suffering by narrowing and cluttering our mind and keeping us from seeing clearly the best course of action.

The way to overcome this natural tendency is to build our mental resilience through mindfulness. Mental resilience, especially in challenging times like the present, means managing our minds in a way that increases our ability to face the first arrow and to break the second before it strikes us. Resilience is the skill of noticing our own thoughts, unhooking from the non-constructive ones, and rebalancing quickly. This skill can be nurtured and trained. Here are three effective strategies:
First, calm the mind.

When you focus on calming and clearing your mind, you can pay attention to what is really going on around you and what is coming up within you.  You can observe and manage your thoughts and catch them when they start to run away towards doomsday scenarios. You can hold your focus on what you choose (e.g. “Isn’t it a gift to be able to work from home!”) versus what pulls at you with each ping of a breaking news notification (e.g. “Oh no…the stock market has dropped again.”).

This calm and present state is crucial. Right away, it helps keep the mind from wandering and getting hooked, and it reduces the pits of stress and worry that we can easily get stuck in. Even more importantly, the continued practice of unhooking and focusing our minds builds a muscle of resilience that will serve us time and time again. When we practice bringing ourselves back to the present moment, we deepen our capacity to cope and weather all sorts of crises, whether global or personal. (Fortunately, there are a number of free apps available to help calm your mind and increase your own mindfulness.)
Look out the window.

Despair and fear can lead to overreactions. Often, it feels better to be doing something … anything … rather than sitting with uncomfortable emotions. In the past few weeks, I have felt disappointment and frustration with important business initiatives that have been adversely impacted by Covid-19. But I have been trying to meet this frustration with reflection versus immediate reaction. I know my mind has needed space to unhook from the swirl of bad news and to settle into a more stable position from which good planning and leadership can emerge. So, I have been trying to work less and to spend more time looking out my window and reflecting. In doing so, I have been able to find clearer answers about how best to move forward, both personally and as a leader.
Connect with others through compassion.

Unfortunately, many of the circles of community that provide support in times of stress are now closed off to us as cities and governments work to contain the spread of the virus. Schools are shut down, events are cancelled, and businesses have enacted work-from-home policies and travel bans. The natural byproduct of this is a growing sense of isolation and separation from the people and groups who can best quell our fears and anxieties.

The present climate of fear can also create stigmas and judgments about who is to blame and who is to be avoided, along with a dark, survivalist “every person for him/herself” mindset and behaviors.  We can easily forget our shared vulnerability and interdependence.

But meaningful connection can occur even from the recommended six feet of social distance between you and your neighbor — and it begins with compassion. Compassion is the intention to be of benefit to others and it starts in the mind.  Practically speaking, compassion starts by asking yourself one question as you go about your day and connect — virtually and in person — with others: How can I help this person to have a better day?

With that simple question, amazing things begin to happen. The mind expands, the eyes open to who and what is really in front of us, and we see possibilities for ourselves and others that are rich with hope and ripe with opportunity.