Have you been hurt sometime, and can’t stop obsessing over what happened? Even though you know you should just let it go, such bitterness like that can go on for ages. An entire lifetime even.
Trying to make up may be impossible, perhaps because the other person just refuses. Or even inappropriate, for example, if you were assaulted. But even if it’s possible, chances are it won’t feel enough. Because putting the past behind you is quite a long and slow process.
For example, you can’t forget what happened. It will always be a part of you. So instead, you need to learn from what happened rather than letting it ruin your life. Try to understand what lay behind whatever led to your hurt so that you can see what caused the problem. Including the possibility that you were partly to blame, at least to some extent.
Don't insist on getting closure from the other party. Give yourself that closure by forgiving them unconditionally. Forgive yourself too for the part you played in this whole mess. Forgive yourself for having trusted them. For letting them into your life. We are all human and we make mistakes. Let the burden of forgiving you fall upon them, whenever they are ready for it. And if they don't forgive you, forgiving yourself and moving on to a new life is a reward you can give yourself even without their permission. You don't owe the happiness and peace that you seek in your life to anyone else other than yourself.
The most important thing to note about forgiveness is that it is not a reset to the former relationship. It is not meant to restore. It is meant to take your power back from remaining beholden to people or relationship that never added value to your life. This creates room in your life to explore new ways of relating to new people in your life without judging them against those who failed you in your past. It helps you start on a clean slate. It is like being born again and starting anew in a new life.
This is essentially a very small price to pay for a new begining.
I can only equate it to upgrading to a new car-for those who love cars-without resenting the old car for all its failures. It was an old car afterall!
Like parents are supposed to be supportive, encouraging and affectionate. But perhaps yours weren’t, and so you feel bitter. But you can choose how your upbringing affects your adult life.
Forgive a lover
So accept your parents the way they are, recognise how they influenced you, and work on all the bits they got wrong. Then you can start leading a life that is right for you, rather than a re-run of how your parents treated you.
Think about times your spouse has hurt you the same way. Because if you can’t forgive a lover when they do something awful, then your relationship’s meaningless. So decide to accept your partner just the way they are. And be just as accepting of your own mistakes. You’ll be much happier together.
Learning to be accepting takes time. But you’ll know you’ve succeeded when the hurt no longer intrudes into your thoughts. Your hostility and resentment has become empathy and understanding.
Positive experience
Now you can forgive. That may seem impossible to begin with, but it isn’t. Like acceptance, learning to forgive is something we all need to do. Because it makes the difference between life controlling you, and you controlling your life.
Not that forgiving is ever easy, but it’s a very rich and positive experience. And it removes the power that people who hurt you have over your life. Even if they never apologise or change.
It takes time, and you may have to start over several times. But if you’re willing to try, it will happen. Start by no longer thinking of yourself as a victim, or defining yourself in terms of how you’ve been hurt. Remind yourself that the incident no longer disturbs your thoughts or feelings. And that instead of dwelling on thoughts of revenge, anger and bitterness, you’re enjoying each day as it comes.
And can empathise with the person who hurt you. Then, gradually, your relationship can be re-established. Probably not the same way, but with your new wisdom, perhaps deeper and more meaningful.
Because you’ve learned how to let your past go, and now you’re looking to the future.
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