Reclaim your power through unconditional forgiveness

 Have you been hurt sometime, and can’t stop obsessing over what happened? Even though you know you should just let it go, such bitterness like that can go on for ages. An entire lifetime even.

Trying to make up may be impossible, perhaps because the other person just refuses. Or even inappropriate, for example, if you were assaulted. But even if it’s possible, chances are it won’t feel enough. Because putting the past behind you is quite a long and slow process.

For example, you can’t forget what happened. It will always be a part of you. So instead, you need to learn from what happened rather than letting it ruin your life. Try to understand what lay behind whatever led to your hurt so that you can see what caused the problem. Including the possibility that you were partly to blame, at least to some extent.

Don't insist on getting closure from the other party. Give yourself that closure by forgiving them unconditionally. Forgive yourself too for the part you played in this whole mess. Forgive yourself for having trusted them. For letting them into your life. We are all human and we make mistakes. Let the burden of forgiving you fall upon them, whenever they are ready for it. And if they don't forgive you, forgiving yourself and moving on to a new life is a reward you can give yourself even without their permission. You don't owe the happiness and peace  that you seek in your life to anyone else other than yourself. 

The most important thing to note about forgiveness is that it is not a reset to the former relationship. It is not meant to restore. It is meant to take your power back from remaining beholden to people or relationship that never added value to your life. This creates room in your life to explore new ways of relating to new people in your life without judging them against those who failed you in your past. It helps you start on a clean slate. It is like being born again and starting anew in a new life.

This is essentially a very small price to pay for a new begining.

I can only equate it to upgrading to a new car-for those who love cars-without resenting the old car for all its failures. It was an old car afterall!

Like parents are supposed to be supportive, encouraging and affectionate. But perhaps yours weren’t, and so you feel bitter. But you can choose how your upbringing affects your adult life.

Forgive a lover

 So accept your parents the way they are, recognise how they influenced you, and work on all the bits they got wrong. Then you can start leading a life that is right for you, rather than a re-run of how your parents treated you.

Think about times your spouse has hurt you the same way. Because if you can’t forgive a lover when they do something awful, then your relationship’s meaningless. So decide to accept your partner just the way they are. And be just as accepting of your own mistakes. You’ll be much happier together.

Learning to be accepting takes time. But you’ll know you’ve succeeded when the hurt no longer intrudes into your thoughts. Your hostility and resentment has become empathy and understanding.

Positive experience

Now you can forgive. That may seem impossible to begin with, but it isn’t. Like acceptance, learning to forgive is something we all need to do. Because it makes the difference between life controlling you, and you controlling your life.

Not that forgiving is ever easy, but it’s a very rich and positive experience. And it removes the power that people who hurt you have over your life. Even if they never apologise or change.

It takes time, and you may have to start over several times. But if you’re willing to try, it will happen. Start by no longer thinking of yourself as a victim, or defining yourself in terms of how you’ve been hurt. Remind yourself that the incident no longer disturbs your thoughts or feelings. And that instead of dwelling on thoughts of revenge, anger and bitterness, you’re enjoying each day as it comes.

And can empathise with the person who hurt you. Then, gradually, your relationship can be re-established. Probably not the same way, but with your new wisdom, perhaps deeper and more meaningful.

Because you’ve learned how to let your past go, and now you’re looking to the future.

A new place to call home

 I'm leaving tomorrow to find a new place

I'll let you know when to come
I'm turning my back on the same old routine
Always a race to be run
I'm leaving behind me a world full of cares
A world that can never be one

I'm going sailing across the water
To find an island in the sun
I'll be waiting, I'll be waiting
To take you sailing

There's grass in the meadow and wind in the trees
It may seem like nothing to some
But there's no better place in the world, you will see
Where love has already begun
I'm going to build us a house of our own
I'll let you know when it's done

From every window you'll see the water
And every morning you'll see the sun
I'll be waiting, I'll be waiting
To take you sailing

Come watch the rainbows that fall to the sea
Come watch the sails as they run
The love that is ours forever will be
Forever and never undone
Come watch the clouds turning pink in the sky
The stars coming out one by one

Come watch the moonlight upon the water
And hold me 'til the rising sun
Then take me sailing, take me sailing
Take me sailing

Come watch the moonlight upon the water
And hold me 'til the rising sun
Then take me sailing, take me sailing
Take me sailing

Come watch the moonlight

A new form of leadership is being born to take us through a new era of Covid-19

 

Leaders are grappling with the massive disruptions caused by Covid-19. The debate is, do we expect a post-Covid-19 order or should we be talking about living with the coronavirus instead? Is it here to stay? The truth is that whichever way things go, a demand will be made for lifestyle changes.

A post-Covid-19 era will be akin to a post-war era and a need to rebuild. Businesses will need rebuilding. Those that lost relevance will rethink. Some have lost their lives and those that they left behind will need to re-calibrate.

If the virus is here to stay there will be a need for major lifestyle changes, meaning we will make social distancing and sanitation a culture. Even the state of mass transit will be altered forever.

The good news is that the greatest transformations happen after major tragedies. This is a historical fact. There would be no United Nations today if were not for world wars. Tragedies force people to craft solutions and trigger innovation. The League of Nations which morphed into the UN that gave birth to so many other bodies that have brought nations together around a common purpose.

If managed well, people looking back at this period in the future might just say that the best thing that happened to the African continent was the Covid-19 pandemic. The immediate effect of this pandemic on Africa was that people were confined to their nations.

Travel abroad stopped and people had to look inward. The greatest catalyst of growth is production. This is where Africa had failed. We had developed an appetite for things we did not produce and kept importing stuff that could be produced locally. Of course, our mindset had a lot to play in this also.

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When foreign things were branded as better and pushed you higher up the social ladder, people rather opted for all things foreign. The pandemic ensured that we look inward. The wise would have used this opportunity to realise that homegrown was good enough and sufficient. Others would see it as a temporary setback and wait for life to get back to default settings.

Two types of leaders emerge: Those who will just wait out the pandemic hoping for the best. And those who will look for the opportunities within the pandemic and go after them with everything they have. Those in waiting mode soon discover that hope is not a strategy. The opportunists are pragmatists who do not seek the beaten path but thrive in creating new trails.

The new stars of this era will not be the ones who were pre-Covid-19 superstars. They will be those who can discover the inherent opportunities and navigate through them.

There is a formula for detecting such opportunities. Many do not recognise opportunities that come disguised as problems. If you can isolate the problems created by coronavirus in your workplace or in your immediate sphere, then behind these lies an opportunity. The opportunity is in the solution.

People look up to leaders for solutions. In complaining, you chip away at your leadership. Leaders cannot subscribe to the thinking of the led. They are different. Solution minded people were designed to lead problem minded people. It is in the mentality and how you carry yourself. You may be the titleholder, but if you do not have solutions, then your leadership is questionable.

Start preparing your life for a long haul of the new normal

We didn`t believe that our world could shut down vital human activities and possibly change our lives forever after Covid19 pandemic

As the cases began to mount – and more importantly, the many thousands of deaths around the world became very visible to us –we all had to take pause. This thing began to look very much like a real and present danger. And that’s when our “survival brain” kicked in.

I was first made aware of the surviva; brain by Seth Godin, years ago. This primitive part of our brains protects us and ensures our survival. It controls many involuntary responses, usually based on fear. It has a reptilian tag because that’s pretty much the only brain lizards have.

We really need this part of our brain – it is what triggers automatic survival responses. It makes us react quickly to immediate dangers; we prepare to fight, or we flee.

Daily routines

But here’s the problem. Most of us have been in flight-or-fight mode for more than four months now. Some have frozen in place; some have fled from their regular habitats; others are fighting manically every day to protect a sense of normalcy, because having their daily routines and norms disrupted by an unseen enemy is more than they can deal wit

Stories of resilience in times of tribulationsSunday Sermon: Freedom goes hand in hand with restraintnce

This is the thing about the survival brain: it’s meant to provoke a short-term survival response. But what does one do with a pandemic like this one, which looks like it will be with us for months and months?

If we stay in fight/flight mode for all that time, we will harm ourselves. The heightened stress and anxiety will cause much mental and physiological distress. Furthermore, if we are leaders, we will make bad decisions on behalf of others.

Fortunately, the survival brain is not the only brain we humans have. The neocortex, a more recently evolved section of the brain, is where our higher self resides. It tempers our more primitive responses; it makes us reason, imagine, anticipate and solve.

If we are fearful, however, the reptilian brain rules. For something as long-term as the coronavirus, we need to reactivate our slower, better brains to take charge.

Now, I am no expert in these matters and I hesitate to give any misplaced advice. Nonetheless, it strikes me that many of those I guide on leadership matters need to come out of impulsive responses and get back to some proper strategic thinking.

communing with nature

Calm yourself down. Yes, there is danger out there; yes, there are many things beyond our control and many anxieties that keep welling up. But we all need to have periods of prolonged reflection now – and you will not get into reflective mode without some help.

Seek that help from whichever sources work for you. For me, it is music, reading and walking. For others, it is mindfulness and meditation; for yet others, spirituality, connecting with family and friends, or communing with nature. Whichever way you can do it, calm yourself down.

Once composed, think things through with those who matter and those who are impacted by your decisions. Set some policy guidelines for yourself. What does this situation mean for you, your family and your career or business? Will you be going out in the world, or won’t you? Which protections will become your norms? Which risks make sense in your personal context, and which ones do not?

Economic imperatives

Remember: we have different personalities, different family situations and different economic imperatives. Let us respect the decisions made by those in our personal ecosystems, even if they are markedly different from our own.

Once you are in a forward-planning frame of mind, there are three horizons to consider. For the next 12 months or so, we have to manage our survival and our bounceback into regular life. For the next two or three years, we have to work on adaptation to new norms of life, work and success.

And for the next ten years, we have to think reset – answering the question: which part of this is forever, long after the pandemic ends? Which new investments in money, time and effort make the most sense, if we are to stay relevant?

Simply making yourself think in those timeframes will activate the higher part of the brain. Stop responding temperamentally to week-by-week developments. Just formulating a strategy, even an imperfect one, will calm you and your people down. Let reason and compassion be your guides now, not fear.

Take some deep breaths and kick your higher self into gear.

Personal Branding Will help sell your skills during tough times

If you got fired today, will you have developed a personal brand besides the identity of your position in the office?

If you were to lose your job today what would happen? A few months ago this might have seemed a mere hypothetical question, but the reality of the times is that it has happened to many people and will continue to happen for some time to come.

A while back, I wrote about a well-known woman who was featured in many society pages and television shows. When she tweeted, hundreds retweeted. When she posted on Instagram, hundreds were quick to like and comment on. Everything she did was celebrated by her numerous followers and admirers. Her phone rang nonstop and she had a long line up of assistants.

Then the unthinkable happened. She lost her job. The first thing she noticed was that her phone stopped ringing. The next thing no one asked for her views like before. Her phone also stopped ringing and her calls were either ignored or the polite ones would send messages promising to call back soon.

She saw firsthand what life is like when you are totally dependent on the power of your corporate brand. This is the case for so many people today.

Let us imagine that you just got fired and you had not developed a personal brand besides the identity of your position in the office. Where do you start? The great news is that there is no one whose situation is so bad that it can’t be revived.



The first thing you need to do is come to terms with the reality that you now have to discover your personal brand and build on it. How do you do this? One fundamental thing that you need to remember is that your brand is not who you say you are. It is who people say you are.

You may think that you are communicating something and yet the message is totally different from what you thought you were sending out. People will form perceptions about you based on the signals that you convey. These signals could be verbal or nonverbal.



 

Now, whether you like it or not, people do the same thing to you and so it is important you become deliberate in how you want to be perceived.

Secondly, you need to do an inventory of what exactly it is that you are bringing to the table. It could be skills or networks. This is why it is important to pay attention to what you get complimented for the most. That is a good indicator of how people perceive you.

Once you have identified this, the next thing to do is get it out there. You need to project what you offer the world. Fortunately, we now live in a world where with little or no expense, you can do this. If you are truly good at what you claim, if what you bring to the table is real and not perceived and if it adds value then you are marketable.